Tuesday, May 19, 2009

A Brief Comment, To My Birthmother!

I have wanted to write to you for a long time, but now that I have a son, I want him to have a general idea of who you are. I'm 47 years old, and have a son named Mark, who was born in Anand, India. Although we have met, less than a handful of times, I don't know much about you except from what I have pieced togather. You are between 65-67 years old, and your mother left you, just as you left the four of us. Your mother was an only child, who was left alone, when alcoholism robbed her of her parents. Your grandparents were born in the 1800's, so they were not that far removed from slavery, although the ramifications have pretty much destroyed your family. Its so hard to gather my thoughts without my mind drifting back to the parents who raised me. I remember their smell, what type of clothes they liked to wear, what food they liked to eat, and vacations that we took, what their political interests were, and what we did as children, to get on their nerves. I thought at some point you would ask us about our life, but I guess it is to awkward, or maybe its just too painful.

What do I tell my son, since you still are alive? That you live in New Jersey, with your children and grandchildren. I can tell him that you were married to our biological father, who we met 3 years ago, who has since died. Do I tell him that alcohol and drugs were the life that you both chose. I would like for him to know more about you than a paragraph or two, or the hollowness that I feel when your name is ever mentioned. If there were one thing in the world, that I would like for you to do for me, that is please just say that you are sorry for any pain that you may have caused.

7 comments:

Angelicamom said...

Crystal,
This was so moving! Thank you for writing from the heart!
I love that you have created a blog! It will really be a gift for your children, and it is a gift for me too because I feel like we get to chat each day! :)
love,
Najla

iN_CMz4Qq5fLSNth6VeKgah_fVjSVaGoUQ-- said...

Crystal
I cried when I read your posting and it took me a while to process what you wrote before responding. Your anger is so raw even though so many years have passed. I hope your birth mother reads this and does the right thing by you. (doubtful)
Please promise you will not allow yourself to be consumed by this. You are the bigger person here. You were raised by loving parents who taught you what parenthood is really like and what love is. Although they are gone now they are still smiling at you from the hereafter and protecting you and your family.
You are blessed with Mark. You will be the mother to this lovely child that your birth mother wasn't to you. That will break the cycle of bad karma that your birth parents created.
You are one of the most beautiful people I have never met! You inspire all of us.
Keep posting honey we want to hear that beautiful voice
Gnoth

crystal said...

I'm crying reading your comments. I have forgiven my birth parents, what happened was the best thing for me and my sibblings. Writing about all of this is healing for me, because I didn't realize how raw some of my emotions really were.

crystal said...

Hi Crystal,

I love your beautiful writing. :)
You have my sympathy for the behavior of your birth mother--abandonment hurts for a lifetime.
I'm telling you what you already know, but sometimes it helps to hear it from others.
Of course, the wonderful parents who wanted you, loved you, and raised you gave you more than your birthmother ever could have. She probably loved you and wanted you as well, but couldn't--for whatever reason-- drugs, alcohol, depression, poverty--get her life together.
Maybe she thought she was giving you a better chance by leaving, or maybe, being out of her mind, she couldn't think about you at all. Perhaps viewing her incapacity as her own tsunami, which swept over you as well, might lessen the pain. No one blames an earthquake or flood; it just is.
I wish that she could know you and realize what she missed.
I'm so happy that you have adorable Mark! As you yourself are, he's a lifetime of joy for everyone around you.

You are beloved.


love,

Claire

crystal said...

Claire, I couldn't figure out how to post it with your e-mail address either. Thank you for the kind words. Claire, you are the artist as well as a writer, you should write a book about your life. Thank you friend! I love you.

iN_CMz4Qq5fLSNth6VeKgah_fVjSVaGoUQ-- said...

Crystal

I spoke with my guru last night about you. She is convinced that Mark is an incarnated soul and one of your parents. The Hindus strongly believe in the concept of reincarnation. She wants you to look in his eyes for clues as to which parent it is. She mentioned that as long as you live they too will be there through him, protecting you always and slaying those demons that have tortured you for so many years.

Your little man will always protect you. He has been sent by the Gods for this purpose.

His arrival in your life has finally liberated you from the pain of the past. You are finally free.

Gnoth

crystal said...

I started reading your comment, and I thought it was Najla. Her husband is a guru, and I think you guys would get along great. Wow, I love what your guru said, I will start looking out for different things. Thanks for that comment, it means a great deal to me.

xx