Thursday, June 13, 2013

My Friend--Happy Father's Day!

As a proud IVF father, what appeal can a father have? After personally already going through years of issuesgandhi-father day-truth with infertility or dysfertility, it is about legitimizing the IVF children so that their rights can be ensured and protected. No one is looking for accolades, just looking for justice and relief for victims. This father's day, I long to see my IVF children together. After the years of struggle and pain too big to capture in words, a proud IVF father's appeal is to see his IVF children united. To isolate this as a "personal case" is a disservice to all, especially the innocent, voiceless IVF siblings. The fact is because of inadequate laws which have not caught up with the realities of technology today is why innocent, voiceless IVF siblings are separated. What are we doing about it to change the laws? I can hear the din in the background of "just letting be" and those people fail to realize that if a person is NOT loving, compassionate, someone who respects human decency and rights, equality for all, and other things, this situation would not have arisen in the first place. And then to have a repeat strategy of "it is easier to ask forgiveness than permission" creating innocent victims including children is WRONG. This case is a gross violation of not just prevailing laws but what we as a humanity stand for. While morals and ethics cannot be legally enforced, can prevailing laws be enforced? 

What values would you teach your child as a father?

Love : As per a recent study, a male spouse is 6 times more likely to abandon or leave their spouse when diagnosed with a traumatic medical condition. A male spouse, I did NOT leave an intersex marriage when discovering it during the marriage. Instead he stayed on as a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex in silence under threats suffering grave torture and abuse while placing personal career ambitions on HOLD. Is this love? Is that something you wish to espouse in your son or daughter?
Compassion : As per another survey, there are 65.7 Million Americans who are family caregivers with a makeup of 67% women to 33% men, less than 13% are spousal caregivers, and less than 4% are young caregivers. Thus making a young, male, spouse caregiver a significantly LOW fraction. Is that compassion? Is that something you wish to espouse in your son or daughter? To complicate things further, the medical condition is intersex which is dealt with high levels of secrecy and lying both at an individual level and at an institutional level. We have entered the "unknown" at this point.
Infertility or Dysfertility : Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals, Transgender, Intersex (LGBTI) experience infertility or dysfertility. Some opt for IVF, a medical treatment, to help such people among others. IVF is not for ALL because of its costs. As a budding IVF father, I worked extra hours and extra jobs to SAVE money and able to afford IVF as a young, male, spouse caregiver of intersex. Is there an "I" in infertility during marriage? Is that something you wish to espouse in your son or daughter?
Caring : Because of the ongoing medical treatment, it was NOT possible for the intersex spouse to care for the infant. Becoming the primary care provider for the infant came naturally as a proud IVF father. I carved jobs allowing telecommuting so that I can care for my son while placing career ambitions on HOLD. All this in silence as did NOT want to spill the "family secrets" to anyone. Is that caring both for the infant and the spouse? Is that something you wish to espouse in your son or daughter?
Laws : As per prevailing US Immigration laws, LGBTI spouses cannot sponsor their immigrant spouses in the US. Yet, we have an intersex person who has immigrated to the US based on a marriage which is not considered legally valid. Is that legal? Should other LGBTI immigrants continue for their EQUAL rights or should they stop and use this case as a precedence to get their rights? What would you espouse in your son or daughter - to break the laws or change the laws for greater good?
Laws : As per prevailing US Immigration laws, a "biological link" with the sponsoring parent is required for a child born outside the US to bring the child to the US. For immigrants, an added requirement is that of gender where the parent has to be "mother". Between two genetic males, only one being the biological father, who is the "legal mother" for an IVF child born outside the US? While this case brings to the forefront several disparities in laws and lack of respect for basic human rights, what will you do and what will you teach your child to usher in change - break the laws or change the laws?
As a hard-working immigrant who went to the US at 17 years of age, espoused basic respect for human rights, showed love, compassion, and care is now being targeted and victimized and even worse his innocent IVF children are being victimized for crimes they did not commit. In the 1940s to 70s during the baby scoop era, innocent children were taken away from their mothers because their only fault was being born to a "single mother" times have changed now including governments apologizing for this behavior. Today, is the only fault of IVF children to be born to a "IVF father"...maybe when gay parenting, single male parenting seems "mainstream", an IVF father can hope to get his rights. Worse, his children's rights - a brother and sister childhood may have expired by then....just like the apologies of today DO NOT help the innocent children of the "baby scoop era" will NOT help the IVF children. Because the TRUTH eventually does come out, it is unstoppable by any court order. What is the best interest of the child? 
It started with a simple lie of cheating and fraud of an unsuspecting victim living in the US looking at the good in everyone. Intersex is a genetic condition meaning it is not in the person's control but being honest or lying about is in their control, especially in the sanctity of marriage. Leaving a spouse of intersex to deal with the effects of intersex with NO help and support and forcing him into silence is torture and abuse. There is secrecy and lying in every marriage, just ask any married or divorced couple but what if secrecy and lying is BREAKING the LAWS? Despite what the so-called "experts" want to teach our children, it is NOT only love, compassion, caring, and other "emotional things" but teach your children to OBEY laws at all times. If they are GOOD people and cannot bear seeing someone's basic human rights being violated, then teach them to STILL OBEY the laws while working to CHANGE the laws. If they try to give human rights to someone where laws itself falls short, they will be punished and worse their innocent children will be punished for crimes they did not commit. As the saying goes, "Don't try this at home, kids".
As far as my IVF son goes, I wonder what values will he learn without me being allowed to participate actively in his life? Will he learn love, compassion, caring, truth, honesty, respect for laws?